World Affairs

Divinity School Discovers New, ‘12% Holier’ God

HYDE PARK — Researchers at the University of Chicago’s Divinity School have discovered a new, ‘slightly holier’ God, a new paper announced Thursday. The paper, entitled ‘Observation of a Novel Divine Entity with Superlative Holiness,’ boasts impressive new advancements in the field of divinity research. 

“We’re proud to announce that our new discovery increases His Holiness’ holiness by as much as 12 percent, or 14 percent on weekends,” said lead researcher Shane Jedman. The paper, which utilized an innovative 25% more efficient prayer and meditation regimen than previous studies in order to more fully grasp the divine, already boasts hundreds of citations in upcoming publications. “If things go well, we’ll be writing part 4 of the Abrahamic Religions canon pretty soon.”

Asked to describe the difference between their newly isolated God and the old one, the researchers demurred. “We don’t really see the difference as that fundamental,” said Jedman, “but we do know that the new one is just that little bit more omnipresent, has that extra ounce of omnipotence, and is just a touch more omniscient.”

Organized religion has largely been skeptical of the breakthrough. Pope Francis declared the paper a work of heresy, and a Vatican spokesperson estimated the true figure at a mere 4% additional holiness. The Union for Reform Judaism, in a press release, called the paper “ridiculous,” questioning its financial ties to “Big Omnipotence.”

Asked about goals for future research, Jedman attributed the paper with finally “putting within reach” the Divinity School’s long-running “40 by 40” initiative to develop a 40% more accurate understanding of truth and justice by 2040.

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