Trump invokes presidential immunity after 7-Eleven shoplifting incident
WASHINGTON—Following security camera footage showing an orange silhouette presumed to be Donald Trump stealing seventeen cans of Diet Coke from a 7-Eleven, the White House announced the president’s office exempts him from any liability related to the incident.
“The law is crystal clear on this matter,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt at a press conference on Thursday. “The president must be able to act on behalf of the American people without worrying about some woke, corrupt prosecutor dragging him into court to haggle over the commercial policies of this or that convenience store.”
Asked to justify how shoplifting fell within the scope of the president’s official duties, Leavitt told a reporter for the Dealer, “Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.”
In a post on Truth Social, Trump reiterated the administration’s legal reasoning: “I wanted to apologize to the LOSERS at Seven-Eleven, a WOKE and, quite frankly, horrible institution! I am ONE HUNDRED percent IMMUNE from prosecution. Your favorite President gets very thirsty sometimes and needs energy FAST!”
In an interview on Thursday, Attorney General Pam Bondi confirmed that the Justice Department would not press charges against Trump. “Dude, have you seen how high the Dow Jones is? It’s like a million money points. Get out of here.”
In a statement Thursday evening, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer condemned both the president’s actions and the administration’s claims of presidential immunity: “The Democratic Party stands united in being cross as all get-out about this. We really are as angry as you can imagine, only a little angrier than that. Boy are we mad. Grrr. And we’re going to say so, on television, at least three times. And then? Then we’re going to tweet. Get ready, Don. Get ready.”
Griffin is co-editor-in-chief for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
