Students across campus were devastated to learn that beloved campus dog Huxley was arrested last Tuesday for allegedly practicing therapy without a license. Huxley, a fifty-pound goldendoodle whose latest Sidechat feature (an action shot of him catching a frisbee) garnered over four hundred upvotes, told the Dealer that he is “most offended” by the accusations. Huxley says, “This is a very ruff time for the University community, and I hope that my accusers will paws to reflect that I am a very good boy who just wants some praise and tummy rubs.”
Huxley’s mom and attorney Ashley requested that the Dealer note that all snuggling and comforting occurred outdoors and without financial compensation, although Huxley was bribed with bacon bits on some occasions.
“Generations of selective breeding may have led many dogs to inherently desire having jobs, but the idea that Huxley was practicing as a medical professional without the required licensing is wholly unfounded,” Ashley states. “Any therapeutic benefits derived from scratching his fluffy ears, rubbing his adorable tummy, or kissing his little brown nose are wholly and entirely coincidental.”
Upon entering court for his indictment hearing, Huxley reportedly offered to let the judge squeeze his paw pads and boop his nose in exchange for a lighter sentence.