-
First-Year Enchanted by Dead Gazes of Grad Students in Lab
First-year biology major Ann Bitious was delighted to find that the graduate students in the lab she joined as an undergraduate research assistant possessed the dead gazes and exhausted slumps she had hoped…
-
World Leaders Pledge to Kill Last Black Rhino by 2030
The announcement has prompted some pushback from conservation groups. "We can all agree that black rhinos kind of suck," said Adil Najam, President of the World Wide Fund for Nature. "Like, what's with…
-
Helium Balloons Rise Due to Inflation
To investigate this phenomenon, the Dealer attempted to reach members of the University of Chicago’s Chemistry Department. Unfortunately, our correspondent fell into an eternal slumber under the fluorescent lights in Kent’s basement, so…
-
Study Finds Bite Magazine Not Edible
A new report from the Journal of the Human Dietary, found that UChicago’s most prominent culinary magazine is not edible. The study, published last Wednesday, used over 300 “community testers.” The experiment was…
-
Student Wellness Reports 700% Increase in Gout
"Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening," added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. "It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students' lives,…
-
EPIC NEW FRESHMEN CHARTER NEW FRAT OMEGA OMEGA OMEGA
Anyways, me and my boys are buying this apartment in Solstice cause we don’t like living in I-House and we thought it would be really cool to cram as many people in there…
-
Chemistry Department Adds Shorthand Requirement to Make Time for Even Longer Pre-labs
On Wednesday, the University’s Chemistry Department announced a new major requirement for its students: shorthand. While this note-taking technique admittedly disappeared forty years ago, the department is excited about the prospects this change…
-
Op-Ed: I Was Let Down By UChicago’s Frivolous Academic Attitude
Last night, I went to Fiji, took five shots, stumbled onto the dance floor, tied my feet to a length of rope, and bungee-jumped down the side of the building. Suffice to say,…
-
Golden Retriever Boys Out, Indeterminate Terrier Mix Boys In Says New Poll
Indeterminate terrier mix boys led the polls, closely followed by Doberman-Chihuahua boys. “I’m so sick of the weaponized incompetence. Why are you in Physics for Future Presidents? You’re literally a physics major!?” said…
-
RH’s Dog Overwhelmed From the Weight of Every Student’s Mental Well-Being
“It’s just too much of an emotional burden,” Lulu told the Dealer, “This one guy literally started sobbing when I let him rub my tummy. I may be cute, but that’s just not…
