CHICAGO — Children and academics alike were puzzled to find Thursday that helium balloons seemed to be rising at an alarming rate. While this spike will clearly affect parties, corporate events, and balloon arches, it is hard to imagine the consequences for everyday Americans.
To investigate this phenomenon, the Dealer attempted to reach members of the University of Chicago’s Chemistry Department. Unfortunately, our correspondent fell into an eternal slumber under the fluorescent lights in Kent’s basement, so we were forced to consult the Economics Department instead. We found Trevor B. Johnson, a PhD student in economics who happened to be in Cobb, and asked what Americans should do if their balloons were floating out of reach.”
“Balloons? Is that like a new cryptocurrency or something? Well, if the prices of assets are rising, that’s a sign of inflation,” said Johnson.
We don’t know which “prices” he was referring to, but we recognize that inflation is indeed an Economics Thing. In conclusion, balloons are rising due to inflation. The University’s Department of Economics is currently investigating why.