Arts & Culture

Golden Retriever Boys Out, Indeterminate Terrier Mix Boys In Says New Poll

A new poll conducted by the IOP found that the male-attracted populace of University of Chicago is almost unilaterally sick of golden retriever boys. Out of 306 respondents, only three wanted a golden retriever boyfriend. 

Indeterminate terrier mix boys led the polls, closely followed by Doberman-Chihuahua boys. “I’m so sick of the weaponized incompetence. Why are you in Physics for Future Presidents? You’re literally a physics major!?” said one of the respondents. “I need a man who smells a little funky and has an uncontrollable mane, but like in a ‘Would Survive a Car Crash’ kind of way. Like a dog that could totally eat a chocolate bar and not die…” 

A self-proclaimed dissenter, who identified themselves as “just Ryland,” Molotov-cocktailed our office upon release of the poll.  We did not make out the following expletives: “So what if I wanna mansplain taxes to a self-inflicted total fucking moron?! I deserve a malewife!” 

We advise all blond men to immediately dye their hair brown and learn an archaic language or risk being loveless for the foreseeable future. Unless you want Ryland. We’re taking boyfriend applications for Ryland.