Campus Life

Student Wellness Reports 700% Increase in Gout

UChicago Student Wellness announced Wednesday that its latest figures show a 700% increase in gout among the student body over the past year.


At a press conference, Dr. Loretta Martin demonstrated the explosive growth in cases of the arthritic condition. “As you can see, this is quickly becoming a crisis among the student body. We expect 25% of the UChicago population to be afflicted with gout by the beginning of Spring Quarter.”


Gout is caused by deposits of crystalized uric acid in the joints. “Consequently,” Martin explained, “UChicago Medicine advises all students to keep their consumption of raw or processed uric acid to an absolute minimum as we try to reverse this alarming trend.”


“Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening,” added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. “It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students’ lives, and now we have this to deal with.” She calculated, however, that the gout outbreak should prove less costly, given that it has a mortality rate of just 7%.


“Oww…oww ouch owww,” said Jack Stern, a third-year who recently contracted the disease. 

UChicago Medicine confirmed that it would be distributing shillelaghs and morphine packets to help students cope with the ailment. Further monitoring of the situation would be necessary to determine whether more extreme measures such as amputation would be called for.