World Leaders Pledge to Kill Last Black Rhino by 2030

NEW YORK– On Monday, World leaders at a United Nations summit vowed to kill the last black rhinoceros by 2030.

“I can promise you one thing:” UN Secretary-General António Guterres said following the agreement, “going into the next decade, we will not worry about seeing those ugly beasts ever again.”

The landmark pledge marks the international community’s strongest commitment to achieving its goal of eliminating all black rhinos to date. A loose coalition of governments, business leaders, and connoisseurs of alternative medicine has so far managed to reduce the global black rhino population to roughly six thousand, but extinction has proved elusive.

“It’s encouraging to see global leadership taking this challenge seriously,” said Jørgёn Jørgёnёnsёnnё, a professor of ecology at the University of Copenhagen. “With that being said, at the current pace, we’re not on track to reach extinction for at least fifteen years, so we’ll have to see if this is accompanied by real, bold action.”

The announcement has prompted some pushback from conservation groups. “We can all agree that black rhinos kind of suck,” said Adil Najam, President of the World Wide Fund for Nature. “Like, what’s with that little horn behind the main one, right? Nonetheless, we believe in respecting even the most contemptible of God’s creatures, and that is why we implore the UN to push back the extinction deadline to at least 2034.”

Reached for comment, Mr. Guterres said that following the agreement, the next items on the UN’s agenda included increasing industrial air pollution and limiting income equality in South Asia.