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Meet the Local Cow Named Least Likely to Burn Down City
When reached for comment, O’Leary stated that she was “mighty proud of Betsy” and, now that the cow was newly certified not to be fire-prone, would reward her with a toasty gas lamp…
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Man Shouts Fire in Crowded Library of Alexandria
Last Thursday, shortly after the sundial struck VIII, a fire reportedly broke out in the geometry section of the Library of Alexandria, where a crowd had gathered to watch famed geometer Eratosthenes Pedantos’…
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Jackass Runs 26.2 Miles, Demands Medal
After running this distance and relaying his message, that narcissist Pheidippides reportedly demanded a medallion of pure gold, eyewitnesses reported.
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Meet UChicago’s First-Ever Econ Major/Econ Minor
“Employers want marketable skills that they apparently don’t think are taught in our regular econ classes. Like critical thinking.”
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Summer Breeze Headliner Revealed to be Jazz Harmonica Legend Artie “Fingy-Wingy” Malone
Major Activities Board President Joan Kindlewood discussed the deliberations which led to selecting this controversial headliner, “We were almost all settled on SZA, but Artie held our treasurer at knife-point.”
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How I Became Wealthy and Successful Using Just the Sigma Grindset and My Parents’ Emerald Mine
By 11.00 am I’ve usually made a profit of around negative 50%. I then call Mommy and Daddy and tell them I love them and I need some more money.
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I’m Not a Bad Person, I’m Just British (And Other Lies We Tell)
And Brad, if you’re reading this, just remember – being British is not your fault, but you should absolutely be blamed for it.
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Powerful! New USG Administration to Spend 130% of Budget on Feeding Self Dinner
“We really deserve this. We work hard. Only $160,000 mysteriously vanished from our budget last year. That’s a new record low!”
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Megan Thee Stallion Donates 45.4 Million Dollars for Hot Girl Stomach Issues Institute at UCMC
This issue has become endemic in the United States due to Congress's firm stance that women do not poop, leaving around 1 in 3 American women to experience hot girl shit in their…
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Six Scrumptious Ways to Make Your HUM Crush Fall in Love with You
Joule, a computer science major, suggests: “Trauma dump during discussion.”
