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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
  • Historical Issue

    As Y1K Looms, Mathematicians Raise Concern About Abacus Malfunctions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 3, 2023

    As many as two goods or services are being exchanged at any given moment, taking up a majority of the abacus beads not being used to count the date. 

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Sorry! We’ll Get ‘Em This Time

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous two hundred years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Third Crusade’s The Charm

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous hundred and fifty years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    We’re Totally Gonna Win This Crusade

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous hundred years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    John D. Rockefeller founds UChicago in Hopes of Creating Greatest Quizbowl Team on God’s Green Earth

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 1, 2023

    “Most of today’s youth listen to music like “Hot Cross Buns,” or “Pine Top’s Boogie Woogie”. They couldn’t power a tossup about the 18th century composer Joseph Martin Kraus if their life depended…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Op-Ed: Telegraphs are Ruining Our Children’s Productivity

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 1, 2023

    Back when I was a kid, we went outside and played. We ate Grandma’s lead paint. We sprayed radium pesticides at each other. We lived in the moment.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Op-Ed: I Am the Emperor, and I Want Dumplings

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 30, 2023

    Some people are born to eat dumplings fed to them by quaking peasants from a silver platter, and other people are all of you.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Area Man Solves Grain Shortage by Inventing Grain

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 29, 2023

    According to a recent source, Cyde was last seen hoarding the grain and proclaiming it all belonged to him, citing his divine revelation of “social hierarchy.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Common Proto-Indo-European Phrases to Learn Before Your Trip to Proto-Indo-Europe

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 29, 2023

    “Vqzwj”- This directly translates to “I enjoy eating birdshit.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Five Code Words Your Teen is Using to Talk About Bootlegging

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 28, 2023

    LMAO (Let’s Make Alcohol Outside)

    read more
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