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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Managing Editor

Antonia Romm

Deputy Managing Editor

Katherine Timm

Layout Editor

Shayaan Gandhi

Photo Editor

Maddy Boneck

Copy Editor

Matilda Robinson

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Historical Issue

    George Washington Founds America

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 26, 2024
    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Joseph Malaria Hopes They Don’t Name Anything Bad After Him

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 24, 2024
    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Incredible New Horse Breed Runs at 1.5 Horsepower

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 24, 2024
    read more
  • Historical Issue

    An Interview with the First Person to Ever Fall for the Oldest Trick in the Book

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 24, 2024
    read more
  • Historical Issue

    JFK Gets Named After Famous Airport

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 23, 2024
    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Nepo Baby Alert! King’s Son Is Named New King

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 23, 2024
    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Gifts Chilean Government With Giant Wooden Horse as Token of Friendship

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 8, 2024
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Hallowed Replaces Decadent Pool Tables With Wholesome, Edifying Billiards Tables

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 7, 2024
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Cardboard Cutouts to Replace Contestants in New, Alternative Beauty Pageant

    Andrea Zhou / April 7, 2024
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Report: Human Nature Primarily Driven by Love, Not Fear

    Andrea Zhou / April 6, 2024
    read more
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