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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
  • Campus Life

    How to Support Pedestrians This Pedestrian Safety Week

    Community Advocating for the Reorganization of Cars Raising Abnormal Safety Hazards / April 10, 2023

    Rob your nearest thrift store to provide bright clothing for the pedestrians.

    read more
  • World Affairs

    Report: Jesus to Take It Easy This Easter

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 9, 2023

    It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Second, Much-Nicer Couch Found Between Cushions of House Lounge Couch

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / April 8, 2023

    While cleaning out the couch in its house lounge Thursday, residents of Markovitz House were shocked to discover an object lodged between its cushions: a second, much-nicer couch.

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Ron Desantis Slams “Gay Ass” Rainbow Fish Book

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 7, 2023

    “I think it’s disgusting that our kids are reading about a limp-wristed fish on the taxpayer’s dime,” DeSantis stated.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    10 Things to Do in SOSC That Will Send a Message to the Guy That Ghosted You

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / April 6, 2023

    Say, “Yeah Marx actually said that capitalism has torn the family apart. I guess I can relate to that,” and look over semi-wistfully.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “I’m Such A Klepto,” Says White Girl Stealing Banana From Baker

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 5, 2023

    “I can’t even, guys. This morning, I turned my stove all the way up. I’m such a pyro, you guys.”

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    Report: Wrong Person Shirtless at Point

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 4, 2023

    "He did it all in one go, and only with one hand. It was so smooth, it almost made up for the sweat stains."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Writing Tutor Too Uncomfortable to Kick Out Couple Making Out in Cubicle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 3, 2023

    “Look, I just fix their writing,” she said, “I’m not qualified to intervene here. Plus, they made it clear I wasn’t invited.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    University Introduces Brand-New Career Adviser Adviser Position

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 2, 2023

    The counselors will also advise career advisers on the advancement of their own careers, which university officials described as “kind of a lost cause”.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    RH Family Adopts Dog “To Rub it in Students’ Faces”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 1, 2023

    “We’re showing dominance, which is really important to us as RHs. We possess what the students desire."

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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