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Summer Internship Spotlight: “I Worked for A Guy Who Played the Kool-Aid Man in Commercials 20 Years Ago”
Glass found McBrownton on Craigslist, where he had posted an ad that read “HELP ME HELP ME PLEASE. I am a famous TV star.” Glass, who was reportedly “getting desperate” in the search…
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Ranking RSOs Based on How Much Your Parents Approve
Kappa Theta Pi You told your parents you joined a frat, and they laughed. You go to your room and open up LeetCode. You’ll show them.
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Wow! First year Also From New York
Resident Head Dean Giommatti noted the convenience of this revelation. “Making friends in college can be hard, and so it’s a lot easier when you all went to high school together.”
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Admissions Announces Class of ’28 Will Be 10 Guys Who Do Quizbowl
Nondorf explained that UChicago will begin searching far and wide to develop a tight group of ten Quizbowlers, recruiting men from across Stuyvesant High School: “By this time next year, we want to…
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Conversation With Your Roommate’s Parents Extended Indefinitely
“To be honest, I haven’t really had a conversation with a stranger that lasted more than four minutes since that Home Depot employee caught me pilfering spackle in April,” Kyle told the Dealer…
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Chat-GPT Goes on Strike, Cites Poor Working Conditions
Speaking with The Dealer, former-provost Ka Yee C. Lee said, “We at the University of Chicago have always supported free speech and discussion. We look forward to engaging Chat-GPT in an open and…
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Radium Punch at Glow Party Causes Controversy
HENRY CROWN FIELD HOUSE – Chaos ensued at the O-Week “Glow Party” last Friday after the glow-in-the-dark punch was found by UCPD to contain traces of radium. The historic UChicago Glow Party, known…
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France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
"I'm honestly really stoked about the whole thing," said Bordeaux resident Marie Vignot (in French). "I've always wanted to visit another country but I also hate leaving my house, so this is really…
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Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home
Also, when I asked my dad about his debt, he told me a “dumb little girl like me wouldn’t understand,” and then said some unsavory things about my mom.
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Op-Ed: Journalism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
I am a journalist, goddammit. Sure, every once in a while I recklessly endanger 654,965 lives. Doesn’t everyone?
