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Dining Halls Offer Water Only As of Winter
The spokesperson for this committee asserted that “a healthy amount of hydrogen and oxygen atoms will enter the student’s stomach instead of the sugar they inhale all the time.” She asked us to…
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UChicago Launches Skincare MLM to Make Up $239 Million Budget Deficit
Is the Chicago wind drying your skin? Could your pores get any larger? Are you plagued by stress breakouts because this school has no idea what a manageable workload is? Worry no more,…
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In New Cost-Saving Measure, UChicago Cuts Heat, Plumbing to Cobb
“We’ve resorted to digging pit bathrooms behind the counter,” Andi Brown, a barista at Cobb Café, reported, “It doesn’t smell because the cold has halted the decomposition process, so that’s neat.”
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Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count
“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…
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Non-Stem Majors Cheat in Weird Moon Class
Naturally, some acts of dishonesty were more reprehensible than others. One anonymous third-year who majors in East Asian Languages and Culture and lives in Room 312 in Flint house in Max P stated,…
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Op-Ed From Dean Hale: UChicago Launches Study Abroad Program in I-House
Since the undergraduate student body clearly seems to be lacking cultural refinement, I have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure…
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UChicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
Will Tackleman, club rugby’s fourth-year captain, said, “Most of us have never played football before, but we thought this would be a good team-building event for the guys.”
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Student Dressed as “Fun” Found Dead Inside Reg B Level
Students were shocked to see paramedics so late on Halloween as the ambulance arrived at the Regenstein library at 11am. Students skipping their 8 and 9:30 am classes interrupted their cognitive haze to…
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UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine
The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure.
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House Misses Apple Season, Forced to Go Rutabaga Picking
As the RA Bob McSchmob explained in his introductory email, this is “the Disneyland of Rutabaga picking in Wisconsin! We’ve got Alta-Sweet, Improved Long Island, and even some Granny Jones Rutabagas! Even though…
