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Recent Study Shows Ominous Whistling in Hallway Growing Steadily Closer
A group of expert scientists using audio equipment, strict observance, and double blind studies have confirmed that the whistling we first reported on only a few minutes ago is indeed getting steadily closer.
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Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You
It seems to me you still have a highly a posteriori frame of mind. But fiat justitia ruat caelum, nevertheless.
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Quantum Mechanics Final to Be Held in One of Seven Locations
"Due to the quantum uncertainty principle, because we know exactly when the exam will be, we are unable to determine exactly where the exam will be until it happens and is observed."
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Supreme Court Overturns Measles Vaccine v. Measles
"Writing for the Court’s conservative majority in Super Measles v. Measles Vaccine, Chief Justice John Roberts said 'it is the opinion of this court that despite persuasive arguments by the Measles Vaccine, we…
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Elon Musk Singing Sad Songs, Playing Guitar Outside of Former Federal Employees’ Windows
Musk was seen standing outside the homes of former federal employees for hours, singing love songs such as “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis and “Please Help Me Run the Consumer…
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Oregano Prices Skyrocket as Americans Simultaneously Hit with Overwhelming Craving for Oregano
On the oregano craze, Napervillian and mother-of-four Rosemary Bayleaf told the Dealer, “There’s no reason for it–I just realized that oregano was what I was missing my whole life.”
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How to Deal With Writer’s Block: A Shady Guide
As they say, what is a block if not something to stand on?
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After Seeing Trump’s Shitshow, Democrats Attempt to Resurrect Jimmy Carter for 2028
"The results of this past election clearly indicate that Americans want a really old white dude to be their president. We won in 2020 with Joe Biden, who’s like the third oldest boy of…
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Dog Couple Discuss Getting Neutered in Light of Political Climate
“Bitches like me are at a high risk for pyometra,” says five-year-old Lola-Bear, a yellow lab, “and following recent decisions made by the federal government, I don’t trust that doctors will prioritize my…
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Student From California Confused by Cold Weather, Assumes Snow Is Ash from Nearby Wildfire
The only season she had previously been familiar with was Fire Season, though she contested that it was less of a season and more of a lifestyle.
