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Is UChicago Able to Defend Itself from Roaming Barbarian Hordes? A Review of the Campus’s Defensive Capacities as a Medieval Castle
We hear it all the time from fiendishly nerdy propsies and overly eager first years: “OMG, Kayla, look, this place is a castle. OMG, can you believe it, we go to Hogwarts? XD.”…
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First year’s Dad going out his way to introduce himself to parents of future exes
Chicago, IL- Amid the chaos and anxiety of move in day, local dad Steve Cooper remembered to make time for what was really important– that is, making sure to introduce himself to all…
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What To Do If You Call Your RH “Mom”
We’ve all been there: it’s O-Week and you’re having dinner at your house table. The food is feeling especially Bartlett-y today. You ask your RH to pass you the salt for some much…
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Incoming Horace Mann Student: “Aww Shucks, the Big City at Last!”
When Billy Bob Worthington got off the greyhound bus straight from his sleepy little town in Midtown Manhattan, he could hardly believe his eyes. “Awww shucks, the Big City at last!” He proclaimed…
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O-Aide Mad with Power
Disturbing reports out of Wendt house reveal that House O-Aide Kevin has succumbed to the allure of his office and gone mad with power. Kevin, who was chosen as an O-Aide for his…
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Obituaries (Special Pre-Screening)
In the spirit of the new school year, we at the Shady Dealer have decided to plan ahead for a change, “fall”-ing forward into the quarter’s warm embrace before “spring”-ing back into our…
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College Republicans Hold “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” Party for Incoming First-years
Responding to concerns raised by anyone with a conscience, UChicago College Republicans has announced an O-Week party called “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” in an effort to reach out to incoming first-years. In…
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Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me
Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend…
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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…
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New Central Route to Only Turn Right
In an effort to streamline the Nightride shuttle system, the Central route has been revised to only make right-hand turns, effective immediately. In an email to the student body, Transportation and Parking Services…
