Chicago Shady Dealer

First year’s Dad going out his way to introduce himself to parents of future exes

Chicago, IL-  Amid the chaos and anxiety of move in day, local dad Steve Cooper remembered to make time for what was really important– that is, making sure to introduce himself to all the parents of students whom his son Brian would eventually disappoint sexually.

“I’m really proud of Brian and what he’s accomplished, so sure, maybe I embarrass him a little,“ said Mr. Cooper. ”I just want to get to know the other parents, y’know?” he went on to add, “I like to ask them about their kids, the usual stuff. Like where they went to school, what they want to study, and why Brian will never be enough for their child.” said Mr. Cooper. “At the end of the interaction I always give them a long firm handshake and say something along the lines of ‘gee, hopefully our kids get to make the beast with two backs amirite?’ You know, manners.”

We caught up with two of these lucky parents, Tom and Sarah Gomez– whose daughter Emma lives down the hall from Brian — and asked them about how their move in was going. “Move in has been great! Sarah and I are so proud of Emma, and after meeting some of the parents we realized she’ll be surrounded by so many bright and intelligent kids! It’s a shame that out of all of those promising catches she’ll choose to hitch herself to Brian. The kid is a 4 on a good day,“ said Mr. Gomez. “I’m glad we got the chance to meet Brian’s dad, brag about our children, and introduce the kids to each other. I’m sure that after that after Emma breaks Brian’s shriveled up heart about a year from now we can all look back on this and have a big laugh,” added Ms.Gomez. Emma, however, was much less enthused.

“Oh god, it was so embarrassing. I was just trying to get some donuts at the parents’ reception when I was motioned over to talk to some kid whom my parents clearly think I should sleep with and make awkward eye contact with for the next 4 years! I can make these decisions for myself, thank you very much! I’m 18. I don’t need my parents setting up lackluster booty calls for me anymore,” explained Emma.

Brian shared Emma’s sentiments. “I honestly don’t understand my Dad sometimes. Why does he constantly introduce himself as ‘Steve, Brian’s dad’? Why would they know my name is Brian, Dad? God, he’s so embarrassing!” yelled Brian, moments after his father had crossed campus to find and introduce Brian to the parents of the girl he will in a few years describe as “his soulmate” only to be left on read.