Chicago Shady Dealer

College Republicans Hold “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” Party for Incoming First-years

Responding to concerns raised by anyone with a conscience, UChicago College Republicans has announced an O-Week party called “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” in an effort to reach out to incoming first-years. In the Facebook description of the party, third-year student and event coordinator Les Takses laid out his intentions behind the event.

“By the time most students read Marx in SOSC, it’s too late. They’ve decided their ‘moral compass’ compels them to NOT manipulate antiquated, racist political and socioeconomic systems to the advantage of a niche elite. In order to counter this, we’re trying to show the human side of College Republicans. We’re not all minority-hating, gay-bashing, exploitative, capitalist boogeymen. We just vote for them.”

The Facebook event has prompted UC Dems to announce a counter-event. As of yet, no details have been announced, but UC Dem leadership has assured the Dealer that the event will be decided late in the process through an opaque and confusing selection process, be full of scandals, and be unacceptable to half of the club’s membership.

Incoming First-year Lacey Voter has not yet made up her mind yet on which party she’ll attend. She told the Dealer that she figured neither Facebook party represented her interests and was currently looking into attending a third party. “I definitely don’t like the blood drinking games and satanic rituals of the College Republicans party. But on the other hand, I’m not sure if I’m feeling enthusiastic about the UC Dem party. They just both seem kinda unlikable.”

As of now, a record-breaking eight people have registered to attend the College Republicans event, a result that Les Takses calls “very promising” and “proof that these outreach attempts are working.” The Dealer will continue to monitor and report on the situation as the event approaches, but for now the party seems poised to be the most popular College Republicans event in decades.