Chicago Shady Dealer

Is UChicago Able to Defend Itself from Roaming Barbarian Hordes? A Review of the Campus’s Defensive Capacities as a Medieval Castle

We hear it all the time from fiendishly nerdy propsies and overly eager first years: “OMG, Kayla, look, this place is a castle. OMG, can you believe it, we go to Hogwarts? XD.” But tall, stupidly arranged towers and methed-up gargoyles does not a castle make. Let’s be honest here, you don’t have a real castle unless it can successfully repel roaming maraudeurs or propel soft power and a strong message to the peasants surrounding it. That message being: Fuck off, you dirty poor folk.

And while many members of the campus community will take to sending that same message by wearing Canada Goose this fall, the question still persists: Is UChicago a viable castle? We know it can successfully defend our virginities and repel attacks from healthy living habits and the 21st century, but can UChicago stand up to the good ole’ roaming barbarian horde?

For this report, the Shady Dealer contacted the best and brightest of minds on castle defense: some MUN kid who had over 1300 hours in Medieval II: Total War. Working with that expert, Devin Biswas, we compiled this brief report,* outlining the pros and cons of the defensive abilities of the campus.


+  Gargoyles are scary

+  Confusing to navigate, outdated buildings pose threat to invaders

+  Actual parapets on some buildings

+  Many internal divisions (in more ways than one) and defensive gatehouses

+  The Reg

+  Snell-Hitchcock’s natural smell a form of biological warfare

+  Students often get tricked into being imprisoned for four years

+  Natural water supply in Botany Pond

+  Midway forms a defensive moat

+  Lack of parking makes it harder to mount an assault

+  Rockefeller basically an ivory tower

+  Dean Boyer on a bike is an amazing scout

+  Weebs have been studying the blade their entire lives

+  The basement of Cobb is basically a dungeon

+  Some lady on the street once told me that they keep monkeys under the campus for torturing and stuff, so there’s that



  Students too overworked and out-of-shape to aid in the defense

  Ivy susceptible to fire

  Gigantic fucking gap in defenses on the east side of the quad

  Squirrels are the enemy

  South and BJ even more isolated than I am socially

  Honestly what the fuck is Max P?

  Hospital is outside of the defensive perimeter

  Where are the fucking machicolations?!

  Molecular engineers can’t substitute for siege engineers

  Econ bros too eager to ransom themselves off to daddy

  No central keep

  Statue of Linné doesn’t come to life like in Harry Potter

Overall, UChicago — if given ample time to prepare, barricade some of its deficient exterior walls, and import some actually athletic students — could successfully withstand a barbarian