Disturbing reports out of Wendt house reveal that House O-Aide Kevin has succumbed to the allure of his office and gone mad with power. Kevin, who was chosen as an O-Aide for his approachability and “kind smile” has turned out to be a petulant tyrant whose only wish is to lord over incoming students and isn’t afraid to use the full powers of his week-long appointment to enforce his will.
Kevin was previously known in the house for being a reasonable, level-headed young man whose helpfulness was only exceeded by his desire to make everyone feel welcome and at ease. But sources close to Kevin have disclosed that when he put on the maroon coloured t-shirt that was his burden to bear, he felt the crushing weight of his office — and the bags he had been asked to carry to the 3rd floor of South — causing him to snap. Like Nero on the day Rome burned, Kevin refused to carry the bags up all the way to the room, instead leaving the student and their family to suffer and likely perish without his help. Oh, the humanity.
“I asked Kevin where I could find the nearest bathroom and I think he was in a bad mood or something, because he just sneered and asked ‘ what’s it to you, knave!?’ and sauntered away,” said one first year who agreed to speak with us only under the condition of total anonymity. “I saw him a little later yelling ‘more wine boy!’ at a vending machine, I think he thought it was a royal cup bearer or something?” they went on to say. “He ended up forgetting to take us to the O-Week party at Logan, guess he’s got a lot on his mind”. Indeed Kevin did, he had a full week of making door decorations and welcoming parents weighing heavy on his soul.
We spoke to Kevin’s RH’s about his reign of terror and they had only this to say, “We’ve had to speak to Kevin about his behavior, I told him it’s incredibly rude to refer to a student’s mom as ‘old hag’ and that he did not have the authority to have her or anyone else in the house ‘hanged’. He then proclaimed ‘you have but one King and his name is Kevin!’, so I guess it didn’t really get through to him. At least O-Week’s almost over and he can go back to being regular old Kevin”.
When we asked Kevin, one of three O-Aides assigned to Wendt, what his next career move was now that he had acquired a taste for true power and all that comes with it, he simply remarked, “We’ll see, I might run for Student Government or something”.