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Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
  • Politics

    Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65

    Trae Falgar-Crostabbs / November 2, 2020

    With just a few days left before election day, the presidential race has entered its final hours. And facing a steep deficit in many national and key state polls, the Trump campaign has…

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  • Politics

    6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important

    R.E. Stern / November 2, 2020

    If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a human, cursed with the ability to comprehend phrases like “electoral college” or “voter suppression.” Here are six cute dogs who, unlike you, don’t have to…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter: There’s Always Spring Quarter

    Chicago Shady Dealer and 1 more / October 30, 2020

    We know that two quarters in a row of distance learning isn't how you planned to start your time in college. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Night Owls Presents: Will it be Cold This Winter?

    Diego Matamoros / October 28, 2020

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mitch McConnell rages at Hype House, looks to contract COVID-19 

    Ryan Park / October 25, 2020

    As COVID-19 rages across the nation, many Americans worry for their own health and the health of loved ones. With the recent breakout of more than two dozen cases among members of the…

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  • Campus Life

    Zoom Host Drunk with Power

    Cameron Chang / October 19, 2020

    In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power. 

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  • Arts & Culture

    I Broke My Pencil and Now I’m Sad I Can’t Fix It.

    Kate Kaplin / October 19, 2020

    That’s the title I am ashamed to declare I broke my pencil

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Booth Student Announces His Two-Week “Immersive Empathy Micro-Metcalf Retreat” on Linkedin

    Logan Todrick “Todd” Aubergine IX / October 19, 2020

    As I am sure that you’ve heard, Booth School of Business, where I am pursuing an MBA as an octuple legacy has gone remote for two weeks. Despite the difficult news and  I…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    If You Sent Your Crush the Wrong Quad Pics…I Am Here to Help.

    Ross Shapiro / October 19, 2020

    So you made a little mistake. Well… maybe a big little mistake. Well…maybe a really big little mistake. You sent your crush the wrong quad pics .    Before you start going into…

    read more
  • 8=Democracy

    The 2020 Election Explained in Three Charts

    Cameron Chang / October 19, 2020

    Following our colleagues in other largely data-science based news organizations, we’ve conducted a variety of mathematical examinations and statistical quandaries in analysis of the recent elections. Due to some technical difficulties, we were…

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Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Applications Open for Admissions Office’s “Spontaneous University Compliment Squad”
  • ICE Deports Jesus Christ
  • Help! My Roommate Thinks Anthony Bourdain and Jeffery Epstein Are the Same Person
  • Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
  • University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
  • Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
  • Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
  • Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter

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