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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Campus Life

    Ranking All the Friends I Made During Autumn Quarter

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / January 20, 2021

    Due to COVID-19 restrictions, this has been a difficult time for first years to make friends. Social gatherings and many activities usually seen as a way to establish connections have either been cancelled…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Survey: Math Department Unaware Gerald Ford No Longer President

    R.E. Stern / January 20, 2021

    A full 93% of the department’s members were unable to correctly identify the outgoing President as Donald Trump, or the incoming President as Joe Biden. In fact, a plurality of respondents (36%) listed…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Secret Experiment in the Basement of the Lab School? Aidan Gallagher Clones.

    Anna Katz / January 17, 2021

    If you, unfortunately, live in International House, as I do, you have become familiar with the constant onslaught of construction workers descending into the basement of the Lab School (our benevolent neighbors) through…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations

    Nell Rydzewski / January 13, 2021

    While these times may be challenging, they have also undeniably managed to bring out society at its most innovative, its most compassionate, and its most daring. And though it needs no elaboration, it…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Prep for Civil War

    Rod and Tom Ato / January 6, 2021

    The events today in our nation’s capitol have no doubt left many of us worried about the stability of our country, with some even uttering the possibility of a civil war on the…

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  • 8=Democracy

    The Dealer’s Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts

    R.E. Stern / January 1, 2021

    Today, the Dealer is proud to release our official county-by-county interactive forecasts of the 2021 Georgia runoff elections for the U.S. Senate. This makes us one of the only data journalism sites willing…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show

    A Furloughed Personal Assistant / December 31, 2020

    New York, N.Y. —  As 2020 comes to a close, network executives all across New York are racking their tiny brains trying to figure out how to announce the end of a truly…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Every Time You Say “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”, Something Bad Happens, But We’re Not Sure What

    Rahul Gupta / December 25, 2020

    During the current holiday season, the usual ornery voices criticizing the use of the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” have resurfaced. But such criticism has gone on for long enough that…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Volume 17 Issue 2

    Diego Matamoros / December 17, 2020

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    OP- ED: What am I Thankful for? Being Hot

    Paris Texas Hilton / November 26, 2020

    When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family,…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Applications Open for Admissions Office’s “Spontaneous University Compliment Squad”
  • ICE Deports Jesus Christ
  • Help! My Roommate Thinks Anthony Bourdain and Jeffery Epstein Are the Same Person
  • Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
  • University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
  • Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
  • Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
  • Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter

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