Chicago Shady Dealer

Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations

While these times may be challenging, they have also undeniably managed to bring out society at its most innovative, its most compassionate, and its most daring. And though it needs no elaboration, it should be clear that I’m referring, not to healthcare workers or front-line employees, but to the new store protocols at Victoria’s Secret. With their manicured finger on the pulse of America, the groundbreaking lingerie franchise has managed to cut through several layers of lace right to the heart of the matter and offer to the public what it needs most in these troubled times: “verbal bra fittings.”

Courtesy of the Associated Press
Smart. Stylish. So many other “s” words could be used to describe the quality of the idea. As an investigative reporter, I found myself honor-bound to go to its flagship location on Michigan Avenue and see if it was the right fit for me. As I tried to maintain my sense of purpose as I wandered through the pink maze of rooms, I attempted to size up what verbal bra fitting from Victoria’s Secret might entail. The best I could come up with (a fool-proof system befitting a brand known for its sensitivity, modern appeal, and pioneering of body positivity during these troubled times) was a straightforward, approachable, fruit-based assessment in order to narrow down precisely what kind of support their customer needs. Just like The Bachelor, we’d start with the most dramatic choices and then progressively narrow down our options:

1. Watermelon or blueberry?
2. Orange or lemon?
3. So are we talking Meyer lemon or actual lemon?
And so on. I was satisfied that this structure was flawless, but forgot as I formulated this fool-proof testing method that I was also still technically a customer. After freezing in fear as two eager saleswomen approached me, I felt myself gradually getting cornered in the lace facemasks section (an invention deserving of an article in and of itself). Like a female deer in the headlights, I was unfortunately too overwhelmed by my experiences to actually find out what Victoria’s secret was, and for this lapse in quality as an investigative reporter I apologize to my readers. Armed with newfound experience and wading through the smells of preteen fear and insecurity, I fled across Michigan Avenue to the colorful support of the Disney Store.