Chicago Shady Dealer

“Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show

New York, N.Y. —  As 2020 comes to a close, network executives all across New York are racking their tiny brains trying to figure out how to announce the end of a truly hellish year and usher in a new, hopefully better one. At CNN, however, producers aren’t worried; they will simply perform the necessary ritual sacrifices to Dark Lord Baphomet and summon his pale servant Anderson Cooper, harbinger of the New Year and host of Anderson Cooper 360˚.  

“We go through this every year,” said Executive Producer Dave Huntford through his hooded cowl. “In order to get Anderson in front of that ball on Times Square, we always make sure to spill virgin blood on the stone altar we have in our studio as a tribute to the silver one.”  

When asked how long the network had been performing this ritual, Mr. Huntford only had a vague and unhelpful response. “Since the world was black and the fish had no eyes, we have summoned the white fox to usher in the first sunrise and will do so until the last sunset. He has been here since before time, and he will be here till the end of times,” he said in unison with the other shrouded CNN executives and Wolf Blitzer. 

The ceremony is unique among broadcast news, another example of the high standards championed by the corporate culture at CNN. After the blood sacrifice of three virgins — chosen from among a pool of qualified applicants — the chalk pentagrams begin to glow, and the fires of the ceremonial braziers burn a little brighter, casting an unnatural pall on the circle of familiar faces from broadcast news. Suddenly, the incantations uttered by the hooded Satanists are overcome by a roar from below the CNN studio at 30 Hudson Yards. As the ground quakes, and the earth is torn asunder, hellfire and brimstone reduce those outside the circle to ash, until a voice pierces through the thunder and the wails of the innocent: “Anderson Cooper here, coming to you live from Times Square.” So it begins.