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Sloth of Bears Reported inside PIKE Fraternity Building
At 9:30 p.m. on Saturday, September 25, a sloth of American black bears (Ursus americanus) was reported inside the PIKE fraternity house. After getting over our befuddlement at the fact that a group of bears is apparently called a “sloth,” our intrepid reporters quickly rushed to the scene. Dejected PIKE brothers milled about outside as low snuffling and growling sounds emanated from inside the building. Luckily, no one was injured or hurt, but the bears remained on scene, despite the entreaties of all involved for them to “please go away.” Having nothing better to do, we decided to interview UChicago’s top wildlife biologist and neurology expert, Dr. Ivo Lutton, as…
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Every Time You Say “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”, Something Bad Happens, But We’re Not Sure What
During the current holiday season, the usual ornery voices criticizing the use of the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” have resurfaced. But such criticism has gone on for long enough that their fulminations are no longer widely heeded. To try and understand why people should say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”, and make the message of celebrating Christmas relevant to a new generation, we decided to speak with Brent Charles “Chad” Worthington, the Outreach Director of the Institute for Creating Holiness by Restoring Innocuous Staging of Topically Meaningful and Appropriate Sermonizing (the CHRISTMAS Institute.) Brent explained that every time someone says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”,…
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Amy Coney Barrett Refuses to Attend Hearings Without Ceremonial Mace of President George Washington Present in the Room
Republicans’ efforts to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court with Judge Amy Coney Barrett encountered an unexpected snag recently, as Judge Barrett announced her refusal to attend the confirmation hearings. Judge Barrett’s justification for her absence was even more unusual: she declared that the Senate did not have authority to examine her nomination without the ceremonial mace of President George Washington present in the room.
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First-Year Accidentally Uses The Odyssey as a Travel Guide
This year, the College prepared some special programming for first-years, such as several active learning experiences to convey the cultural impact of the various books they read in Hum classes. One first-year, however, encountered several unpleasant surprises due to using The Odyssey as his travel guide. We have reproduced his write-up of his experiences below, as a warning to all those who would follow his path. “My Terrible Mediterranean Adventure” -By Ody “Odie” Seuss Day 1: My Hum class and I set out from Chicago onto Lake Michigan, sailing from there through the rest of the Great Lakes, the St. Lawrence River, and out into the Atlantic Ocean.…
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