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Op-Ed: Don’t You Know Who My Dad is?!
You reject moi from the Blue Chips?! I do your RSO a favor by gracing you with my presence, and this is how you repay me?
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Allen Sanderson Becomes Sociologist by Light of Full Moon
As the full moon emerged, economics professor Allen R. Sanderson was seen declaring himself a sociologist on the quad for no explicable reason.
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After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat
The new frat, officially named “PSI, no, not that one”, will begin recruiting in April in honor of Earth Day.
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Wanna Feel Better About Politics? Donate to These 4 Inspirational Democrats Running in Districts They Have No Chance Whatsoever of Winning
Recent political developments got you down? Want to do something to help out? Here are four extremely qualified Democratic candidates for Congress that want your hard-earned money. Donate to ease your sorrows! They’re…
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Woodlawn Announces Intramural Cockfighting League to Boost House Culture
Aiming to bolster its flagging house participation, as well as its subpar performance in IM sports, Woodlawn announced the creation of a new inter-house sport: intramural cockfighting.
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Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama
"Honestly, he’s tired of dealing with all of the minute Priest stuff. Being the Pope is a lot more giving out the eucharist and wearing a little hat and a lot less having…
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Why is the Trolley Problem On My Econ P-Set, and What Did Y’all Get?
On the one hand, 40 minutes is a lot of time, time that could be spent improving the PowerPoint I’m gonna use to fire my unpaid intern Jenny.
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MAB Bans Non-Black Concertgoers from Saying N-Word at Summer Breeze, Causes Stir
“I just feel like this is a slippery slope. First they ban the N-word during concerts, and next thing you know, we can’t use it in SOSC,” commented Walter Chang, a fourth-year physics…
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Breaking: Your New Student Government
The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…
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Sexy Jesus & Apoptles Rumble Time!!!
Editor’s note: The Shady Dealer found this written on a piece of butcher paper in a trash can outside the divinity school. Please direct any complaints towards the original author. AUTHORS NOTE: This…
