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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
  • COVID Special Issue

    Bummed about a Pandemic Breakup? It May Be an Opportunity for Growth

    Michael Taylor / February 19, 2021

    For better or for worse, human relationships have been altered by the COVID-19 pandemic. While some people’s relationships are accelerating as social circles become more limited, others are experiencing a more difficult shift…

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  • COVID Special Issue

    Friendship During COVID–19 Requires Communication and Consent

    Travis Blackley / February 19, 2021

    You may or may not have heard of this dude named Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who, according to Wikipedia, “was a Genevan philosopher, writer, and composer.” I certainly hadn’t until I took SOSC while microdosing…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    How UChicago’s Class of 2025 Navigated an Unprecedented Application Cycle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Applying to college is stressful in the best of times, but for UChicago’s Class of 2025, the ongoing coronavirus pandemic added an additional level of stress to the process. The Dealer sat down…

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  • COVID Special Issue

    The Talker Versus the Texter

    Chicago Thinker / February 19, 2021

    As the pandemic developed and we settled into remote living for the long haul, social life at UChicago changed significantly. Pretty quickly into the pandemic, two competing social structures had emerged: the Talkers…

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  • COVID Special Issue

    During Year of Coronavirus, Local Businesses Forced to Adapt

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Small businesses face a landscape forever altered as the first wave of economic disruption from the pandemic settles. To get a sense of how this is impacting our local businesses, the Dealer talked…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    $100 Million and a Million Tests: How The NFL Played Throughout a Pandemic

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    The NFL spent an exorbitant amount of time and money to hold in-person activities and games in the months leading up to the season, culminating in the super bowl. If something as meaningless…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Practicing for an Uncertain Season

    I Don’t Need My Ex-Wife Anymore / February 19, 2021

    "I just don't see the point of swimming back and forth alone in individual lanes in a way that in no way affects the performance of others also swimming alone in individual lanes…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Changing the Script on Love at UChicago

    Luke Hughes / February 19, 2021

    The admissions department tried to tell me that even nerds like me could get laid at UChicago. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a legally enforceable contract. The University owes me a girlfriend,…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Elderly Folks Show Resilience, Maintain Regular Social Interactions During Pandemic, Study Finds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Surprise, surprise — elderly folks have been doing elderly things during the pandemic, a new study from the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center (NORC) finds. The study, which was conducted via…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    NCAA Overlooks DIII Athletes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    “D-I players are so tall that it’s hard to see over them and find the D-III players,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “Take basketball, for example. Your average D-I center is 6’8” or…

    read more
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  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds

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