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“New Dean” Added to Scav List
"Suggestions from the chair of the committee included the reanimated corpse of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Paul Alivisatos’s evil twin Saul, and the statue of Linne on the Midway."
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Opening for Prime Minister Position Posted on Handshake
“For the next Prime Minister, the party wanted someone who was an outsider, who could talk at length on a subject without actually saying anything, and who could work for hours on a…
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Value of Pound Drops Drastically in Comparison to Maroon Dollar
"The pound’s strong exchange rate with the Burgundy Dollar and the Crimson Dollar are encouraging, but that its persistent weakness against the Scarlet Dollar, the Carmine Dollar, and the Vermillion Dollar are cause…
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Op-Ed: Please Wear Deodorant
Next week, if I put my nose directly into your armpit and it doesn’t smell like Province you're gonna wish you had put on deodorant. Get it?! Capisce? Verstehen Sie?
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Meet The Six People You’ll Throw Up On in College
She was funny, smart, gorgeous, everything you could ask for in a future wife. You’d even talked about moving to Massachusetts together, having three kids, getting a mortgage. You’d thought you’d shower her…
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Class of 2026 First-Ever to Feature Diplomats’ Kids from All 193 Nations
“Even before stepping foot on campus, this unprecedented group of students has already made their mark.” Dean of Admissions James Nondorf said. “And I mean that literally. We have renamed a lot of…
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Seven Signs Your Roommate’s Parents Definitely Have a Wikipedia Page
They use “network” as a verb. “I had a great time with you tonight. How about we reconvene and rendezvous for a little networking sesh at Nobu next week?” This is not a…
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First Year Ventures Across the Midway to Get Condom From Office of Safety and Security
“It was a difficult journey across the Midway with lots of treacherous twists and turns,” he said. “However, I have finally been granted a condom. Now I am in search of a partner…
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Real Alum Speaks: “O-Week Is the Best Your Life Will Ever Be”
Let me take you inside the game. When you get moved into your dorm. You'll meet your housemates and make your best and only friends for the rest of your life. You'll never…
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How Tall Was Jesus Christ? We Asked Every Academic Department
We built a really big neural network to predict people’s heights based on their faces, trained it on images of humans, and it told us that Jesus was either 3’2” or a golden…
