Campus Life

First Year Ventures Across the Midway to Get Condom From Office of Safety and Security

This winter, one brave first year, who asked to remain anonymous, took the tenuous journey across the Midway to the office of Eric M. Heath where he requested a single condom, “just in case.”

Like new President of the University of Chicago Paul Alivisatos, this anonymous first year’s greatest concern on our campus is safety, and he has been on the hunt for a really safe condom (in case he were ever to have sex).

“In the past, I’ve always practiced by doubling up. However, now that it’s a real possibility that I might finally have sex, I need a condom safe enough to pass the discerning eye of Eric M. Heath,” the first year told Dealer reporters. (Being concerned that his request would notify the Clery Act and the student body would be alerted that he was looking for a secure condom, the first year wanted to get in front of it first by talking to the Dealer.)

However, due to the UCPD not being subject to FOIA requests, this first year’s hunt for a secure condom will remain a secret until this article is published.

“It was a difficult journey across the Midway with lots of treacherous twists and turns,” he said. “However, I have finally been granted a condom. Now I am in search of a partner to use it with. Safely, of course.”

Should anyone wish to engage in safe intercourse with this anonymous first year, please contact the Dealer via email immediately. We would be happy to connect you.