University of Chicago officials announced Thursday that the Class of 2026 would be the first to feature at least one diplomat’s child from all 193 UN-recognized nations, including several dozen from the U.S. This announcement was made as part of the University’s new Ulysses Memorial Scholarship program, which addresses “government relations.”

According to the university, the program recruited students by walking around at Formula One races and European ski resorts. When polled, 73% insisted that “dude, you really have to come to Dubai one of these days, it’s wild.” According to a program survey, 120% of recruits self-identified their families’ income levels as “comfortable.”

Stephen Pitts, the son of the British ambassador to Spain, is one of these admitted students. “I’m beyond excited to join my peers at UChicago,” he told the Dealer. “They said I could keep my diplomatic immunity here, which is gonna be great. I’m gonna commit so many crimes.”

“Even before stepping foot on campus, this unprecedented group of students has already made their mark.” Dean of Admissions James Nondorf said. “And I mean that literally. We have renamed a lot of buildings.”

R.E. Stern

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