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First Year Earns Respect of School by Beating Up Biggest Guy on the Quad
Edwards reportedly approached Poundsmith and declared, “I’m the coolest kid in school now. I’m the big cheese,” before striking him in the jaw. According to witnesses, Edwards subsequently made Poundsmith eat a bug.…
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New Paid Internship Program Charges Students Instead of Paying Them
Overjoyed second-year student Tyler Dinheiro bragged, “It’s only $50 for a criminal law internship in Atlantis. Of course I accepted immediately.” This amount of money is, in fact, incredibly low; most paid internships…
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First Year Really Wants You to Know She Also Got into Yale
The announcement, which takes place during an entirely unrelated conversation about Hum classes, sends ripples through the cafeteria. Some express shock that a person admitted to an elite university like Yale deigns to…
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Op-Ed: You’re Doing Everything Wrong Already
Sure, you attended the RSO fair, but what are you doing standing there reading satirical articles? Whatever you think we said in the app, don’t forget that our real job is getting you…
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Polsky Center Acquires Kimbark Liquor
According to a Polsky Center spokesperson, “We here at Polsky pride ourselves in the what and not the how. We saw a market demand, and we took action.” In an effort to capture…
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Summer Internship Spotlight: “I Worked for A Guy Who Played the Kool-Aid Man in Commercials 20 Years Ago”
Glass found McBrownton on Craigslist, where he had posted an ad that read “HELP ME HELP ME PLEASE. I am a famous TV star.” Glass, who was reportedly “getting desperate” in the search…
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Ranking RSOs Based on How Much Your Parents Approve
Kappa Theta Pi You told your parents you joined a frat, and they laughed. You go to your room and open up LeetCode. You’ll show them.
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Wow! First year Also From New York
Resident Head Dean Giommatti noted the convenience of this revelation. “Making friends in college can be hard, and so it’s a lot easier when you all went to high school together.”
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Admissions Announces Class of ’28 Will Be 10 Guys Who Do Quizbowl
Nondorf explained that UChicago will begin searching far and wide to develop a tight group of ten Quizbowlers, recruiting men from across Stuyvesant High School: “By this time next year, we want to…
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Conversation With Your Roommate’s Parents Extended Indefinitely
“To be honest, I haven’t really had a conversation with a stranger that lasted more than four minutes since that Home Depot employee caught me pilfering spackle in April,” Kyle told the Dealer…
