-
“I’m Such A Klepto,” Says White Girl Stealing Banana From Baker
“I can’t even, guys. This morning, I turned my stove all the way up. I’m such a pyro, you guys.”
-
Report: Wrong Person Shirtless at Point
"He did it all in one go, and only with one hand. It was so smooth, it almost made up for the sweat stains."
-
Writing Tutor Too Uncomfortable to Kick Out Couple Making Out in Cubicle
“Look, I just fix their writing,” she said, “I’m not qualified to intervene here. Plus, they made it clear I wasn’t invited.”
-
University Introduces Brand-New Career Adviser Adviser Position
The counselors will also advise career advisers on the advancement of their own careers, which university officials described as “kind of a lost cause”.
-
RH Family Adopts Dog “To Rub it in Students’ Faces”
“We’re showing dominance, which is really important to us as RHs. We possess what the students desire."
-
New Startup Matches Douchebags to African Safari Animals They Can Kill
Environmental activists have touted the app as “pretty messed up” and “the solution that we didn’t ask for, but thanks, I guess”.
-
Report: Guy Still Fucking Talking
Reporters say Brent may be leaking second-hand embarrassment into the classroom air, and scientists urge all students to evacuate.
-
Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop
When asked if he had ever written a weekly discussion post, Watercrest immediately ran out of the room.
-
University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
“This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things.”
-
Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
This comes after a long series of complaints given by recent employers that UChicago students just had “far too many morals”.
