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Radium Punch at Glow Party Causes Controversy
HENRY CROWN FIELD HOUSE – Chaos ensued at the O-Week “Glow Party” last Friday after the glow-in-the-dark punch was found by UCPD to contain traces of radium. The historic UChicago Glow Party, known…
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France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
"I'm honestly really stoked about the whole thing," said Bordeaux resident Marie Vignot (in French). "I've always wanted to visit another country but I also hate leaving my house, so this is really…
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Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home
Also, when I asked my dad about his debt, he told me a “dumb little girl like me wouldn’t understand,” and then said some unsavory things about my mom.
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Op-Ed: Journalism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
I am a journalist, goddammit. Sure, every once in a while I recklessly endanger 654,965 lives. Doesn’t everyone?
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Copy of USG Announces Plan to Recount All Five Votes
“We’re not sure why this happened, but we’re looking into every possibility, from illegal voting, to irregular vote counting, to a squirrel dancing on a keyboard, which is the current leading theory.”
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Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
Another resolution under consideration by the General Assembly proposes a battle royale between all national leaders, with the winner crowned Emperor of Earth.
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Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions
The scouting report on Henderson is quite poor, calling him "the worst draft prospect in the past 50 years. He combines Shaquille O’Neal’s three-point shooting and Wilt Chamberlain’s free throw percentage."
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Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit
The New York Times columnist rejected the claim, stating that he “would never feed on people’s blood while they sleep.” He then added, “but if I did, I think they should have to…
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A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications
Close your eyes and count to ten Whether you see, “A comment has been made on your submission,” or, “Assignment Graded: Pset 4 Gradarius,” flash on your phone, it’s best to approach it…
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Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
“One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”
