Chicago Shady Dealer

US Government Releases Saved Daylight

A solar blast burst through Chicago on March 12, 2023 at 2 a.m. CDT, delaying all local Amazon shipments by a week, killing the entire Chicago zebra population, and killing a few hundred individuals (listed from high-priority to low-priority). A few hours later, Christopher A. Wray — head of the FBI —said to reporters: “I can’t believe that they made me wake up at two in the morning! How am I supposed to think this early without my coffee! Oh wait, you meant the explosion? Yeah. I’m not really supposed to release any details right now. Do you know if Starbucks is open yet?”

An anonymous FBI agent (after accepting our generous and unrelated donation) informed us that the explosion started in the basement of a Hyde Park cupcake shop. When pressed about the cause of the explosion, he was surprised. “Don’t you know? It’s our saved daylight! It’s impressive, really. ” 

“We thought that it might have a Spider-Man effect,” clarified a National Security Council spokesperson.  “We thought it would help our country amidst the worsening climate change. We didn’t think that people would die from concentrated radiation. On the bright side, our solar panels this year have generated an entirely new level of electricity! Think about our extra energy! We should do this sometime again.” This measure sees the most support from the unaffected Alaskan population (732,673 people). Maggie Oil Vandersnow spoke for Alaska in a live interview on CBS. “We want all the heat we can get!”  

A few Chicagoans attempted to raise mass protests, but only six or seven supporters ever showed up. Apparently, Chicagoans were also grateful for a respite from the cold. “It’s no more dangerous than the Red Line,” a Lincoln Park resident explained, “or, really, even stepping out of my apartment.”