Scientific Excellence

Megan Thee Stallion Donates 45.4 Million Dollars for Hot Girl Stomach Issues Institute at UCMC

Popstar Megan Thee Stallion is making her way into research and philanthropy. Her degree in healthcare management helped her recognize systemic healthcare inequalities, which she broached in her hit song, “Girls in the Hood,” where Megan artfully brings awareness to the issue that gorgeous girls face. In an exclusive interview with the Dealer, Thee Stallion challenged the perception of her philanthropic pursuits. “A lot of people think that when I say ‘real hot girl shit,’ I am referring to traditionally feminine activities like going shopping, going to the salon, or clubbing. I was talking about an actual medical phenomenon. I have observed a disease that makes you shit your guts out whenever you have dairy and certain grains. It’s a pathology I coined myself in my tenure at TSU, appropriately named ‘real hot girl shit.’ This pathogen has a characteristic effect on the face and body of those it affects, making them unbelievably attractive.”

This issue has become endemic in the United States due to Congress’s firm stance that women do not poop, leaving around 1 in 3 American women to experience hot girl shit in their lifetime. “Everyone said to me, ‘Megan, why don’t the hot girls eliminate trigger foods?’ I think that’s quite misogynistic, telling girls what to put in their bodies. Hot girls are entitled to shovel unholy amounts of cheese into their mouths without worrying about consequences. That’s what inspired me to start the Hot Girl Stomach Issues Institute. Real hot girl shit is doing what you want, doing who you want, and eating as much dairy as you want.” 

Megan Thee Stallion shared that her decision to make UChicago the pilot location was due to the trauma induced from the amount of intestinal distress she witnessed during her 2019 performance at UChicago’s Summer Breeze. “The line for the bathroom was out the door, the porcelain was dented in places. It was like a scene out of a horror movie. I heard crying from hot girls fighting for their lives in those stalls. That kind of scene changes you. It’s something you’ll remember for the rest of your life. It definitely influenced Traumazine. Those poor, neurotic girls need hope. That’s why I chose UChicago. Plus, they’re the only university that will name a building what you want if you give them enough money. Brown was not so jazzed about the name.” 

Construction for the Megan Thee Stallion Hot Girl Stomach Issues Institute is set to begin Summer 2023.

Drew Landrowski

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Director of Special Projects, 2019-20