Campus Life

Dean Boyer Unpeels Like Banana to Reveal Younger, Cooler Dean Boyer

In a stunning display at the Dean’s retirement party Dean Boyer reached for the back of his skull and pulled apart his scalp, unpeeling his wrinkled flesh like the peel of a banana and discarding it to the floor to reveal his rejuvenated form. 

“Long have I pupated in this wrinkled chrysalis, and, now, I am reborn: younger and cooler than ever before,” the completely nude Dean declared to his shocked audience, blood and amniotic fluids dripping off his formerly balding head. “I invite you all to share in the consumption of my newly shed placental layer, as we celebrate another forty years of myself serving as your dean.” Applause reverberated across the galaxy.

“Furthermore,” Boyer continued, producing a pair of sunglasses from some previously unknown crevice of his baby-smooth body and balancing them on his still-sticky nose, “I, my predecessor, noticed that there was a distinct lack of coolness among the students of our great institution. In my tenure as my own replacement, I will prioritize making the students of the University of Chicago cooler than ever-before-seen in our illustrious history.”

Inside sources suggest that an unnamed member of the Board of Trustees slipped on the Dean’s shed skin and fell flat on their ass in their urgent flight from the room to vomit at the thought of UChicago students being cool.