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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
  • Politics

    Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN

    Vivian Psylos / May 16, 2023

    Another resolution under consideration by the General Assembly proposes a battle royale between all national leaders, with the winner crowned Emperor of Earth.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions

    William Foster / May 16, 2023

    The scouting report on Henderson is quite poor, calling him "the worst draft prospect in the past 50 years. He combines Shaquille O’Neal’s three-point shooting and Wilt Chamberlain’s free throw percentage."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit

    Hermosillo Sardinia / May 13, 2023

    The New York Times columnist rejected the claim, stating that he “would never feed on people’s blood while they sleep.” He then added, “but if I did, I think they should have to…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications

    Justin Bilenker / May 12, 2023

    Close your eyes and count to ten Whether you see, “A comment has been made on your submission,” or, “Assignment Graded: Pset 4 Gradarius,” flash on your phone, it’s best to approach it…

    read more
  • World Affairs

    Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / May 11, 2023

    “One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus

    Andre Dang and 1 more / May 10, 2023

    Fourth-years bear higher risk of senioritis than others, though it is not uncommon to see second- and third-years experiencing similar symptoms. First-years are the least susceptible, but even they can be infected, especially…

    read more
  • World Affairs

    Divinity School Discovers New, ‘12% Holier’ God

    R.E. Stern / May 9, 2023

    Pope Francis declared the paper a work of heresy, and a Vatican spokesperson estimated the true figure at a mere 4% additional holiness.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Local Dog Arrested for Practicing as Therapy Dog without License

    Katherine Reynolds / May 9, 2023

    “Any therapeutic benefits derived from scratching his fluffy ears, rubbing his adorable tummy, or kissing his little brown nose are wholly and entirely coincidental.” 

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Missing: Half an Assistant

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 7, 2023

    Last seen being sawed in half by one Harry Houdini, before announcing he would “make it disappear” to an enthralled audience.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Op-Ed: What if We Hide in the Trees Instead of Marching in a Huge Formation?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 6, 2023

    We’re the ones defending our territory, so we know the place and everything. What if we hid everywhere and waited for them to come to us?

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

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  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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