Kevin McCarthy Secures College Council Speakership After 14 Ballots

REYNOLDS CLUB: In a tense scene last Wednesday night, all twelve newly elected College Council members milled about the floor, engaged in tense negotiations after fourteen failed votes to elect the speaker of the chamber. The clerk of the council banged a tiny gavel on the desk really loudly and called the council to order at 1 am. Kevin McCarthy won the title with two votes, with ten members abstaining (reportedly having fallen asleep). Pronounced Speaker of the Council, the whole world breathed once again.

“Now that we’ve been through this election process, we know how to govern,” said Speaker McCarthy while lovingly caressing his UChicago College Council-branded gavel. “Lucky for us, we don’t actually need to govern, because the administration hasn’t given us any real power. I really just wanted to put ‘Speaker of College Council’ on my LinkedIn. I did have to promise the holdouts a rules package allowing anyone to initiate a vote to remove me, but in two weeks nobody is going to even want this job, so I think I’ll be safe.” McCarthy then retreated into his intensely organized office (a broom closet in the Reynolds club basement) and took a bite of the council’s catered meal from Nobu (which reportedly cost twice the annual budget of the UChicago English department.).

The next day, Speaker McCarthy adjourned College Council to study for his bio midterm. As of press time, it has not met for three weeks.