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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Campus Life

    Meet Frank, UChicago’s First International Student from Vatican City

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / March 6, 2023

    Frank, dressed in all white and sporting a delightfully eccentric hat, reports being “born” in 2003 but “doesn’t feel a day over 60.”

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Inspirational! The Hunters and Taxidermists That Jim Henson Forced to Make the Muppets Are Finally Demanding Fair Recognition for Their Work

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / February 28, 2023

    Henson is also suspected of cross-border trafficking: the court has questioned how Chinese and South American hunters could have acquired the rotting corpse of Big Bird.

    read more
  • Politics

    Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / January 3, 2023

    According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Seven Signs Your Roommate’s Parents Definitely Have a Wikipedia Page

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / October 14, 2022

    They use “network” as a verb. “I had a great time with you tonight. How about we reconvene and rendezvous for a little networking sesh at Nobu next week?” This is not a…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Five Ways to Avoid the Mysterious Wizard Who Wants to Turn You Into a Dove

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / August 24, 2022

    It’s the quintessential UChicago experience: there’s a scary wizard staring at you from the topmost window of the I-House tower. He leaps out of the window and chases you across the quad on…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Coming to Disney+ in 2027: The Unbelievable True Story of the Man Who Trained Birds to Sell Opioids

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / August 19, 2022

    Disney+ has yet to release the series, but the Washington Post has already called it “unexpected” and “probably a financial disaster,” adding that “the line of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys containing actual opioids…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Breaking: Your New Student Government

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / April 25, 2022

    The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Bachelor Final Rose to Go to Living Windmill That Speaks Exclusively in Plane Puns

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / January 18, 2020

    Sources from ABC had claimed that the ending of The Bachelor would not be spoiled, but Reality Steve strikes again! The gossip blog has revealed that this season’s final rose will go to…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Thanksgiving Explained by an International Student

    Kelly Tsing Sum Lo / November 26, 2019

    So first they roast a turkey, right, and then sometimes they put other birds inside the turkey and roast those too, and they call it a turduckoose or a turchicken or something. And…

    read more

Read It and Weep

  • Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop
  • University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
  • Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
  • Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions
  • Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture
  • Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
  • Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation
  • UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes
  • “How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close
  • Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

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