Orthodox and Catholic Churches Reunite, Citing “Reconcilable Differences”

VATICAN CITY – The Eastern Orthodox Church announced on Friday that it was officially putting an end to the Great Schism of 1054, telling the Catholic Church, “You were right.”

The announcement, which was delivered to the Pope by the 17 leaders of the Eastern Orthodox Church during a getaway to Italy, represents a major U-turn for the second largest Christian denomination.

In a joint statement, the clergy of the Eastern Orthodox Church explained, “We’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and we’ve come to the realization that papal infallibility and unwavering submission to Rome are actually really cool.”

The Patriarchs’ statement continued: “Honestly, you guys are probably right that the Holy Spirit proceeds from Christ the Son as well as from the Father, rather than from the Father alone. We’ve been scratching our heads for hours trying to remember why we got so worked up over it. And while we’re at it, all of us are really hankering for some unleavened communion wafers right about now.”

In response to the bishops’ mea culpa, Pope Francis simply sighed and said, “Well, I hate to say I told you so…”

Asked for comment, Bartholomew I of Constantinople admitted the Eastern Orthodox Church “got a little carried away” in the 11th century and that Michael Cerularius’s feud with Pope Leo IX was “just not who we are anymore.”

“When you get right down to it, we’re all just one big happy family. Let’s not bicker and argue over who excommunicated whom,” said Bartholomew. 

Religious experts who spoke to the Dealer said the announcement is sure to have huge consequences.

Sources close to the Vatican said talks aimed at bringing the Anglican Communion back under the dominion of the papacy were “on the verge of a breakthrough,” while a proposal to unite all of the Abrahamic religions under a shared creed was likely to come to fruition before the end of the decade.