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UChicago Announces Plans To Replace Campus Shuttles With Piggyback Rides
In the proposed plan, President Alivasatos would mill around outside the Regenstein Library, waiting for students to hop on his back and ride him to their destination. “I’ll take you wherever you want…
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Report: 2024-25 Not Your Year Either
“We’ve run over the data, and we can conclusively state that this just isn’t going to be your year,” said Brian Smith, some guy. “Much as you might hope that this year is…
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Third Year Frat Brother Says He Majors in Bizcon “For the Children”
In a developing story coming out of Fiji House, frat brother Kyle Smith-Jones-Johnson III has announced that he will be majoring in business economics “for the children” (and for Goldman Sachs).
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Precocious First-Year Starts College with Opps Pre-Established
Remaining ahead of the curve, Foggarty has also made sure to develop more serious feuds in order to pre-empt any post-O-week enmity. According to an exclusive interview with the Dealer, Foggarty revealed that…
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Guy at RSO Fair Uncomfortably Eager for You to Join His Club
First-years at the fair agreed that a club which appeared too desperate for new members was not an attractive prospect. “Whenever I see a club that’s too welcoming, I assume that they’re all…
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O-Week Ball Pit Surprisingly Fun
The University describes the ball pit as “an epic mix of adventure, play, and adrenaline” that features friendly, familiar characters such as Batguy (no relation), Mikey Mouse (no relation), and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich…
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First-Year in SOSC Class Somehow Smarter Than Every Philosopher
HARPER 124 –18-year-old Don Sumbons, a first-year from Indiana, is apparently smarter than every single philosopher that he read in his section of Power, Identity, Resistance. Sumbons, who goes by “Donny Boy,” says…
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Vice Presidential Debate Goes Pretty Smoothly
“Just nailed a debate with a colleague,” Walz tweeted. “Love talking with you guys but I gotta leave now. We were gonna grab some drinks together after this whole thing.”
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“Of Course I Drank in High School” Says First-Year Attempting to Open Beer
“Yeah, I drank a ton in high school,” Gibson said to a group that had gathered in the lounge, “I drank so much that vodka came out of my eyes. That’s a thing…
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Mozart Annihilates Beethoven in Searing New Diss Track “Piano Sonata No. 9”
AUSTRIA– The biggest music beef of 1790 just had its most exciting update yet. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart utterly destroyed longtime rival Ludwig Van Beethoven with the smash track “Piano Sonata No. 9.” The…
