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Shortened Quarters
Dear University of Chicago students and faculty members: We are pleased to inform you that, beginning in the 2025-2026 academic year, quarters will be shortened to 1 week of instruction and 1 week…
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Naive First-Year Still Thinks He Will Have Same Academic Advisor All Four Years
Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.” Pilvin was not…
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“Practicals” and Other Words to Say at Your House Table So People Know You’re Cool
Practicals: This apparently has something to do with the biz-econ major. Hopefully, people will think you’re a third year in disguise and not just stressed about getting into a club.
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First-Year’s Roommate Bears Suspiciously Striking Resemblance to D.B. Cooper
O’Higgins made the connection half an hour after meeting his roommate, who introduced himself as Brad Normal. “We were making small talk, just getting to know each other, when I thought, ‘Gee, he…
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Extra! Extra! Fresh RSO Ads Here!
#3: Light Bulbs Squad According to one of our investigators who managed to join this elite, secretive “Squad,” the members sit in a red circle surrounded by unlit light bulbs in a dark…
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REPORT: Botany Pond Reopens (Just Kidding)
“You idiots think we’re done with this thing?” shouted Mosser, “Hell no, we haven’t even started on the waterslide system yet!”
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Glow Party Ruined by Ring of People Exchanging SAT Scores
Many within the UChicago community were dismayed by the atmosphere of egotism and competition at the Glow Party. “This school used to be full of cool cats who just wanted to have a…
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Stunning: O-Week Friend Group Forms Bond That Will Last a Whole Two Weeks
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Evina Stromberg, a researcher who studies the social habits of first-years. “An O-Week friend group that lasts this long violates all known laws of physics.”
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UChicago Announces Plans To Replace Campus Shuttles With Piggyback Rides
In the proposed plan, President Alivasatos would mill around outside the Regenstein Library, waiting for students to hop on his back and ride him to their destination. “I’ll take you wherever you want…
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Report: 2024-25 Not Your Year Either
“We’ve run over the data, and we can conclusively state that this just isn’t going to be your year,” said Brian Smith, some guy. “Much as you might hope that this year is…
