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Student Dressed as “Fun” Found Dead Inside Reg B Level
Students were shocked to see paramedics so late on Halloween as the ambulance arrived at the Regenstein library at 11am. Students skipping their 8 and 9:30 am classes interrupted their cognitive haze to…
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UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine
The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure.
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House Misses Apple Season, Forced to Go Rutabaga Picking
As the RA Bob McSchmob explained in his introductory email, this is “the Disneyland of Rutabaga picking in Wisconsin! We’ve got Alta-Sweet, Improved Long Island, and even some Granny Jones Rutabagas! Even though…
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UChicago Login Systems Switch From Duo to Trio
First year Micah Powell called the changes “ridiculous.” “There’s no reason the login needs to be this difficult. I went to the tech help desk at the Reg and they told me to…
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First-Year Enchanted by Dead Gazes of Grad Students in Lab
First-year biology major Ann Bitious was delighted to find that the graduate students in the lab she joined as an undergraduate research assistant possessed the dead gazes and exhausted slumps she had hoped…
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World Leaders Pledge to Kill Last Black Rhino by 2030
The announcement has prompted some pushback from conservation groups. "We can all agree that black rhinos kind of suck," said Adil Najam, President of the World Wide Fund for Nature. "Like, what's with…
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Helium Balloons Rise Due to Inflation
To investigate this phenomenon, the Dealer attempted to reach members of the University of Chicago’s Chemistry Department. Unfortunately, our correspondent fell into an eternal slumber under the fluorescent lights in Kent’s basement, so…
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Study Finds Bite Magazine Not Edible
A new report from the Journal of the Human Dietary, found that UChicago’s most prominent culinary magazine is not edible. The study, published last Wednesday, used over 300 “community testers.” The experiment was…
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Student Wellness Reports 700% Increase in Gout
"Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening," added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. "It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students' lives,…
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EPIC NEW FRESHMEN CHARTER NEW FRAT OMEGA OMEGA OMEGA
Anyways, me and my boys are buying this apartment in Solstice cause we don’t like living in I-House and we thought it would be really cool to cram as many people in there…
