Chicago Shady Dealer

UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine

The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure. Known by faculty as XQRRRROZRRR1111999, Dangred has seven toes, three wings, and a rancid smell. 


“He’s the hottest guy I’ve seen on campus. Maybe ever. I love the way his feathers ruffle against his strange, pale, contorted body,” gushed fourth-year Angie Veddle. Another student, third-year Brenda Chase added, “His wide, bloodshot yellow eyes know exactly how to draw me in.” 


McPhee has also gained social status among UChicago students, getting involved in RSOs and campus culture. “He’s a member of CHOMUN now,” explained Greg Campbell. “During the first meeting, he attacked the President and started trying to break the tables, but once we gave him a free t-shirt he screamed really hard and then stopped. I gotta say, he has more commitment to this RSO than a lot of people.”


Sweating profusely, a representative from UChicago Medicine stated, “This is very bad. The specimen is not for human eyes to see. It was not designed by God. It should never have happened. If anyone gets within 10 feet of it without a hazmat suit… God help you.”


There have been several reports of students around campus suddenly having bulging eyes and sprouting feathers. Any connection to Dangred is unclear.

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Maisie. Maisie is a copy editor and a staff writer. Like a well-maintained orchid, Maisie will live indefinitely. "Reach for the stars, kid." -Maisie Thompson