AMSTERDAM – 1672 – Following the crowd’s cannibalism of Johan de Witt, the last Dutch prime minister, many of our esteemed readers wanted further advice on who the most delicious politicians would be. So, per our team of esteemed human meat estimators and executioners, here are our top five suggestions:

1. Louis XIV: French cuisine is considered by many as one of the greatest cuisines across the Great Continent. Combined with the recent years of bountiful harvests, it is estimated that the number of cakes produced shall exceed that of the five years forgone. For this reason, we shall consider the French king as a prime candidate for a delicious treat.
2. Leopold II: And who doesn’t like a nice schnitzel? The Habsburg dynasty has provided ample political leaders around the Continent. Plus, with all the strife between the German kingdoms, duchies, principalities, free cities…, one can assume that Leopold the Second will be of a certain fitness. And if he dies, the Habsburgs can find a cousin to make another king with.
3. Mehmed IV: Still roasted following the Great Fire of 1660, Mehmed’s tender and spicy flavor is certain to evoke the awe of many of our readers.
4. The Kangxi Emperor: Colonialism has been the rule of the land since 1492, and our esteemed readers are certain to enjoy the exotic flavors of the Orient. His rule in China has brought great stability, and it would be great for our companies if we could get rid of the guy. Plus, he’s also young and tender. Please eat him.
5. Oliver Cromwell: You may ask, isn’t he dead for like, 20 years now? To that we shall, unfortunately, assent. However, our most esteemed princes and clergy have determined that bones may still be unburied. One can assume that the aged bones of the late British Lord Protector shall offer a great and rare treat, despite the remarkable lack of spices across the British Isles.

Countess Isabella the Mustached

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