Scientific Excellence

Yay for the Youth! CDC Finds New COVID Vaccine Side Effect To Be “Just Like Getting High on LSD”

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a statement last night indicating that, in addition to the flu-like symptoms, COVID vaccines can also lead to feelings of complete ecstasy and otherworldliness. According to one subject cited in the report, “It was insane, I feel like I touched a whole new level of self. I couldn’t eat for that entire day, my head felt like it was about to split open, and then it happened – I talked to my dead pet bunny.”

Another subject cited in the report recalls “not feeling anything and then feeling everything.” Things felt included, but were not limited to: his heart pounding in his chest, the right corner of his inner eyeball, sadness, his knee, a headache, good things, the air on his elbow hairs, love, hate, the table when he touched it with his hand, and a certainty that the next Powerball numbers would be 3, 6, 11, 19, and 5.

The last subject cited by the CDC had, according to sources, completely lost track of reality after sleeping for 20 hours straight. When she woke up, she described being enlightened by the inner goddess that lives within ourselves. The CDC officials were said to be “weirded out but absolutely captivated” by their encounter with her.

“Everyone should be excited by these new findings, and we have definitely seen a boom in young people getting excited over a new way to get high,” a high ranking CDC official told The Dealer. The official mentioned how exciting it was that the discovery had gone viral on TikTok, and he even hopes that this new discovery will help convince the former-hippie-current-anti-vaxxer demographic to get the vaccine.

Additionally, the CDC now recommends that every recipient of the vaccine watch the last twenty minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey to really savor the effects.

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Managing Editor, 2022-23