Chicago Shady Dealer

Phil (the Phoenix) Starts Fire

Another $300 million down the drain, and the big question that remains is this: whose idea it was to care for a dying phoenix in a bustling hospital? (It’s almost as if nobody watched Harry Potter or took a class on mythical beasts.)   UChicago Medicine nursing staff had hoped that Phil would make a full recovery after his illness earlier this year. He even attended some of the sports games in the spring, determined to raise school spirit. However, this was not to be the case. When Phil chose to drink like a first year one fateful bar night, he was taken into the hospital for alcohol poisoning and his condition deteriorated rapidly. 

The next morning, sparks were flying — Phil’s doctor and PA had just gotten engaged! Also, the building was on fire, but there was a wedding to plan! Between the chaos of the mandatory ring show off, discussing what the theme of the wedding just “had to be”, and deciding on which flowers to order, nobody noticed that the entire building felt oddly warm for a freezing cold Chicago day. The next thing that anyone knew, the fire alarms had started ringing and the entire hospital was evacuated. Nobody too important died, so no need to worry — and bonus, there is a cute little baby phoenix waiting in the replacement maternity wing. 

Now, the only question is what the new mascot will be. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to choose a good mascot. After all, the only other times that mascots are changed is when people finally decide that they’re racist — looking at you, Amherst! It could be anything from another bird, to a mammal, to even just a paint swatch of maroon. We have to be careful, though, because we’re not good enough at sports to pull off something like the Blue Devils. Remember, folks, boring is beautiful. Keep these tips in mind when submitting your suggestions to the Dean’s Office or by email at [email protected].

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Managing Editor, 2022-23