Are you a person from the “square states” who wants to show off your newfound wealth without “losing touch with your roots”? Did you just win the lottery or inherit money from your rich uncle? Have you traded in the old double-wide for a nice new fancy house in “that gated community”? Do you now find yourself in need of a coat that says “look at how much money I have” for all of your new rich friends, while saying “I’m still down-home country town” for when you come home for Thanksgiving?
Then, oh boy, are these coats for you! Made out of the ducks your cousins killed last winter but wanted nothing to do with, our new line of coats cost at least five times as much as your average ridiculously expensive Patagonia, Moncler, or Arcteryx jacket, but you could never tell from the quality or style. They’re like you in that way! One parka looks like a trash bag got dragged through the mud and then tossed through hay. Another style is just so terrible, that it will put your cousin Bob’s neon waders to shame — but step into a wall street office and they will think that you look like a classy Justin Beiber. Is it Givanchy, Gucci, Balanciaga, Canada Goose, or you old hand-me-downs from 1972? No one will be able to tell and that is the true sign of high fashion these days.
We here at Canada Goose strongly believe in our Canadian origins and values, but in light of our new partnership — and your current president — we have decided to let some of our values slide: most noticeably our values of kindness and acceptance. (We were told by our publicists that Americans were just worse people overall. It’s okay, we’re not expecting an apology, we just want you to buy our jackets.)
So please, do yourself a favor and buy one of our newest winter parkas inspired by the lifestyle and values of contemporary American classic Duck Dynasty. We can’t promise that you’ll love it, but we can promise that other people will resent you for wearing it, and if that isn’t the entire point of our brand then I don’t know what is.