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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Secret Experiment in the Basement of the Lab School? Aidan Gallagher Clones.

    Anna Katz / January 17, 2021

    If you, unfortunately, live in International House, as I do, you have become familiar with the constant onslaught of construction workers descending into the basement of the Lab School (our benevolent neighbors) through…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations

    Nell Rydzewski / January 13, 2021

    While these times may be challenging, they have also undeniably managed to bring out society at its most innovative, its most compassionate, and its most daring. And though it needs no elaboration, it…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Prep for Civil War

    Rod and Tom Ato / January 6, 2021

    The events today in our nation’s capitol have no doubt left many of us worried about the stability of our country, with some even uttering the possibility of a civil war on the…

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  • 8=Democracy

    The Dealer’s Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts

    R.E. Stern / January 1, 2021

    Today, the Dealer is proud to release our official county-by-county interactive forecasts of the 2021 Georgia runoff elections for the U.S. Senate. This makes us one of the only data journalism sites willing…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show

    A Furloughed Personal Assistant / December 31, 2020

    New York, N.Y. —  As 2020 comes to a close, network executives all across New York are racking their tiny brains trying to figure out how to announce the end of a truly…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Every Time You Say “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”, Something Bad Happens, But We’re Not Sure What

    Rahul Gupta / December 25, 2020

    During the current holiday season, the usual ornery voices criticizing the use of the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” have resurfaced. But such criticism has gone on for long enough that…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Volume 17 Issue 2

    Diego Matamoros / December 17, 2020

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  • Lifestyle

    OP- ED: What am I Thankful for? Being Hot

    Paris Texas Hilton / November 26, 2020

    When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family,…

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    How to Make the Perfect Un-mashed Potatoes for Thanksgiving

    Ross Shapiro / November 25, 2020

    Step 1: Boil a pot of salted water. When the water is brought to a boil add your 8 or 9 potatoes and let them bathe for 15 minutes. After the 15 minutes…

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  • Internships & Jobs & The Hard Reality of Modern Capitalism,  Oh the Places You'll Go!

    UChicago Grad Now Boss of his Former High School Bully

    Jackson McNamee / November 25, 2020

    “It’s so crazy! It’s just like that old saying: don’t bully the nerd cause they might grow up to be your boss. But hey, don’t get me wrong! I’m not working these guys…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

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  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

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