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Red October: Wellness Czar Overthrown by Bolsheviks in House Council Election
This just in: Nicholas Romanov, the longtime Wellness Czar of Salisbury House in Burton-Judson, has been unseated by an anonymous group gaining traction on campus: “The Wellness Bolsheviks”. According to our sources, the…
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Op-Ed: Stext and the City: Stacks Are Not-So-Secret Haven for Desperate Undergrads
Books are teachers, and very patient ones, for that matter. The lesson that all the books in the Regenstein bookstacks collectively taught me is that sometimes I should trust the posts on UChicago…
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Sloth of Bears Reported inside PIKE Fraternity Building
At 9:30 p.m. on Saturday, September 25, a sloth of American black bears (Ursus americanus) was reported inside the PIKE fraternity house. After getting over our befuddlement at the fact that a group…
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Four Social Blunders to Avoid During O-Week
Hello new students! O-week is finally unfolding, and we hope you’re ready to meet your peers. Knowing this school, and the kinds of people it attracts, it is only natural that many of…
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Data Driven Analysis of the Most Likely Wars Dean Boyer Will Liken to Getting into the University of Chicago at Convocation
It’s that time of the year again: back to school sales are starting, temperatures are cooling, and college students across the country are preparing to return to campus for what they hope may…
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IOP Announces New Fellow, Former Governor Andrew Cuomo
The Institute of Politics at the University of Chicago has announced that former governor of New York Andrew Cuomo will join the Institute as a fellow for the 2021-22 academic year. In an…
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Heartbreaking: Child in Mongolia Doesn’t Know Who Nestor Is
The University of Chicago community was shocked Monday after reports surfaced that a six-year-old child from a village in northern Mongolia is unaware of the existence of Nestor the Midway Cat. Nestor the…
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Yay for the Youth! CDC Finds New COVID Vaccine Side Effect To Be “Just Like Getting High on LSD”
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a statement last night stating that in addition to the flu-like symptoms, COVID vaccines can also lead to feelings of complete ecstasy and otherworldliness.
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Pluto Becomes Planet Again after Quarantine Weight Gain
After a long stint of exclusion from planetary classification, Pluto has finally put on enough weight to qualify as a planet. Its weight gain results largely from a breakdown of daily habits and…
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Mad-Libs: Write a Thinker Article!
On campus, I was “cancelled” by my so-called “tolerant” peers for [VERB ENDING IN -ING] a(n) [SINGULAR NOUN] at Cathey Dining Commons. Under the Reagan administration, such a display would have been welcomed,…
