Chicago Shady Dealer

Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We’ll Tell You About Our New Jetski

Hey! You. Yes, you. Wanna see a cool jetski? Let’s face it: you’ve always wanted to be sprayed in the face, while we whizz on by in our sick new ride. Well, now’s your chance to get the excruci— refreshing splash of a lifetime!

Now, we understand, you might be thinking: what do you need my credit card number for? What could my credit card number possibly have to do with some definitely pre-existing jetski? What a stupid-ass question. Listen, buddy: it’s a jetski. It goes really, really fast. On the water! And it’s red. Red! Isn’t that dope?

What are you, scared? You realize, your credit card number is just a number, right? We already know about most of the numbers, from 1 to like three billion. It’ll be cool, you’ll just be like ‘this is my credit card number’ and we’ll be all ‘oh yeah I’ve heard about that one’ and then we’ll do nothing remotely suspicious. We just want your credit card number for verification purposes, you know? Like one of those free trial scams— I mean, programs.

Where are we gonna get the money for the jetski? No, you’re missing the point. How hard is this to understand? Step one: you type your credit card number into this box. Step two: nothing bad whatsoever happens. Nothing bad! Step three: you get to hear all about our brand-new jetski and its rad new features. 

What’s that? You want to keep the jetski? I don’t think you’re hearing us. It’s our jetski, why would you get to keep it? You get to see a shiny new jetski right now, and all you have to do is give us a number for, uh, confirmation, uh, reasons. A specific number, of course. Belonging to your credit card.

You don’t want to see the jetski? Whatever, your loss. While we have you, though, you might want to check out our new program where you send us a picture of your genitals and— oh, you already did. That was fast.

Please stop.