Chicago Shady Dealer

Red October: Wellness Czar Overthrown by Bolsheviks in House Council Election

This just in: Nicholas Romanov, the longtime Wellness Czar of Salisbury House in Burton-Judson, has been unseated by an anonymous group gaining traction on campus: “The Wellness Bolsheviks”. According to our sources, the transit of power came about via “a messy health food fight” in the house lounge, rather than an adequate democratic procedure. Some students believe the former WellCzar has made an undercover escape to International House. Resident Assistant of Salisbury House Gregory “RA” Sputin, who reportedly suffered a mild food poisoning amid the coup, declined to comment. 

The Wellsheviks’ political platform centers on socialized healthcare. “You can’t spell ‘Well’ without ‘We’,” opined one of the rebellion leaders, “If you tried, it’d just be a big L. No, wait, it’d be worse— it’d be two L’s. The second L stands for the ‘L’ train that you would have to take to get to an affordable hospital. We’re planning to transform one of these L’s into a W. Which stands for ‘Weed’. I don’t remember what we plan to do with the other L”.

Some insiders allege that the other L has already been turned into a W, which stands for “Worldwide Facebook Outages”. The Wellsheviks are also said to be behind the emergence of a huge groundwater well in the Burton courtyard. Now that one of the water bottle refill stations in Salisbury House has been transformed into a landmark fountain in honor of the revolution, the well serves as a public source of clean water, as well as a home for the Well Nesstor monster. While the Well Nesstor monster’s origin is uncertain, some house members link its identity to Milton Smithson, a second-year political science student who goes on monstrously incoherent rants about how everyone should be free to “not have to wait in line for a doctor’s appointment for a full fifteen minutes”, even though the system he proposes would put some residents in fifteen years worth of medical debt. 

Others believe the well Nesstor monster to really jut be Nestor the midway cat reborn. While we can neither confirm nor deny this allegation, sightings of the monster observed tabby cat-like fur and kind eyes. 

On a more worrisome note, as this article is being published, the newly elected Wellness Soviets are debating possible purges to support the mental health of Salisbury residents. Sources tell us that the plan is to have the purge fall on the day of the gen chem final, since all cheating is allowed. The Wellsheviks call for purging students’ schedules of certain classes, including Organic Chemistry, Experimental Physics, and Introduction to Computer Science II.

Special thanks to Frances Poth, the mastermind behind the best pun in this article.