Hello new students! O-week is finally unfolding, and we hope you’re ready to meet your peers. Knowing this school, and the kinds of people it attracts, it is only natural that many of you have never actually spoken to a person, so we know that making a good first impression can be hard. But do not fret! We at the Shady Dealer know that our experience as upperclassmen is valuable, so we offer you a couple of tips to avoid becoming a laughingstock on campus. These methods are tried and true.
1: That guy who smirks when someone says they live in BJ
The kind of man who makes you go “This fucking guy.” We all hate him, so try not to be him.
2: Stepping on the seal
There’s apparently a seal on the ground in one of the campus buildings. I think it’s at Reynolds? Anyway, one of my classmates genuinely got mad at me for stepping on it during first year. I think it’s kind of a fun tradition, but some of you people take this shit way too seriously. Nevertheless, avoid stepping on it if you’d prefer some peace and quiet.
3: Bragging about your toenail collection
It happens to the best of us. The temptation is hard to resist, I know, but that’s fucking weird man, so don’t do it.
4: Giving a shit about Doing Honest Work in College
One of my housemates asked me if he could use my copy of Doing Honest Work in College as a doorstop, and I said no. He never really spoke to me again.