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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
  • Campus Life

    Conservative Students Silenced by Regenstein Library’s 4th floor

    Adam Zabner / February 27, 2021

    Rather than deal with the Soros-backed liberal elites of the media, I decided to turn my cubicle into a soapbox and recite my argument on the fourth floor of the Reg. Having chosen…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    You Got Us: Here are Other Maroon Articles We Released Without People Knowing

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 26, 2021

    Yes, we used a psychic to predict The Maroon’s COVID-19 retrospective so that we could publish its headlines first. But did you know we've done that a lot over the years? Here are…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How Covid and the Summer’s Racial Reckoning Impacted the Way I, Your Friendly Neighborhood Econ Frat Bro, Live My Life and View the World

    Your Friendly Neighborhood Econ Frat Bro / February 25, 2021

    Staffers at Bon Appétit, a food and lifestyle magazine for people who spend more than $50 dollars on a single jar of cinnamon, suddenly left the magazine because of race stuff, and they…

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  • Lifestyle

    Rock Salt Flavor Retrospective: Hyde Park, Winter 2020-2021

    Ian Olson / February 24, 2021

    A note on methodology: in our blind testing, sampling teams tasted salts found on streets and sidewalks alike.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Exclusive: Top Brass Dispels Rumors of SSA/Crown Remilitarization

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 22, 2021

    Lieutenant Commander Zimmer denies that the school has become complicit in hyper-militarism, stating that the Main Quadrangle’s helipad has been there all along, and that anyone who disagrees will be dishonorably discharged.

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Bummed about a Pandemic Breakup? It May Be an Opportunity for Growth

    Michael Taylor / February 19, 2021

    For better or for worse, human relationships have been altered by the COVID-19 pandemic. While some people’s relationships are accelerating as social circles become more limited, others are experiencing a more difficult shift…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    Friendship During COVID–19 Requires Communication and Consent

    Travis Blackley / February 19, 2021

    You may or may not have heard of this dude named Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who, according to Wikipedia, “was a Genevan philosopher, writer, and composer.” I certainly hadn’t until I took SOSC while microdosing…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    How UChicago’s Class of 2025 Navigated an Unprecedented Application Cycle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Applying to college is stressful in the best of times, but for UChicago’s Class of 2025, the ongoing coronavirus pandemic added an additional level of stress to the process. The Dealer sat down…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    The Talker Versus the Texter

    Chicago Thinker / February 19, 2021

    As the pandemic developed and we settled into remote living for the long haul, social life at UChicago changed significantly. Pretty quickly into the pandemic, two competing social structures had emerged: the Talkers…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    During Year of Coronavirus, Local Businesses Forced to Adapt

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Small businesses face a landscape forever altered as the first wave of economic disruption from the pandemic settles. To get a sense of how this is impacting our local businesses, the Dealer talked…

    read more
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